The box was high, it was so high that all around me I saw nothing but the sides of the box, and it had engulfed me in its brown drab bleakness. When and how did I become boxed in? I had lived this way for so long that I could not remember. My one saving grace was that I could see the blue sky way above my head, but it always seemed so far away.
Many other people were also living in this box with me. Within the square we kept moving around the perimeter. Our lives were bleak and hopeless and unending. Words were just words, they had no meaning and they got us nowhere. There was an opening at the top of the box but I thought I could never reach it. It would just be wasted energy on my part. I decided to walk the perimeter again to see if anything had changed.
Each day was alike. I saw and spoke to the same people, but unfortunately they too were looking for answers. The people I met had much more going for them than I did, yet they were also lost and seemed to be without any hope. If they were stuck here, then my chances of getting out of this box were even more dismal. At some point in the day I would sit in the corner and there I would rest my weary head. One day I sat in the corner without moving for five hours and when I finally tried to move my head or to stand, I noticed that it had become very painful. Is there really a God? If there is a God where is He? Why does He allow so much despair? I once had a family and a few friendships, but because of my rebellious ways they could not stand to be around me. If they could not stand to be around me why would a Mighty God want to be around me? Perhaps I will try calling on Him (God) and see if He responds.
When I could not stand to hold my head down any longer, I decided I would endure the pain that it would cause me and I would lift it up. This time I even raised it above the normal boundaries and in doing so, I saw a bird in flight across the sky. Because of my limited view inside the box, the bird soon was out of sight, but before I could lower my head, I saw him fly by again. This event peaked my imagination and I imagined he was a young bird who was learning how to fly, and he was just trying out his wings. If this was true, he seemed very happy to be doing so. Was he not afraid he would fall? So often I try to make something happen only to endure failure again.
Well, I’ve called on that Almighty God again and nothing magical happened. I saw the bird again, but on this particular day I also noticed something else. I noticed how beautiful and blue the sky looked. It wasn’t till I lowered my head that I saw all the darkness that surrounded me. It was overwhelming. “Perhaps it would do me good to lift my head more often.” I thought to myself. “I will try doing this exercise again.” I looked at all the depressive faces and immediately raised my eyes toward the sky. surprisingly I found myself calling on God again. Not wanting to look down I placed my hands on the side of the box. Then unexpectedly a thought came to my mind and I started trying to claw my way upwards. Before I had thought the top to be way out of reach, and it would have been a waste of my time to even try. Now I found myself placing both hands on the surface which was smooth and it caused my hands to immediately fall away. I tried again and the same thing happened. Something new within me seemed to be stirring and it willed me to try again. I tried once more and I moved up the side a little, I became exhausted and decide I would try again the next day.
I slept wonderfully that night, it came easily, I’m not sure why. Hmm, maybe it was the exercises I did as I climbed upwards. Maybe luck would come the next day. As I climbed upward again, I looked around me and noticed that they were also others trying to escape from this dark box. I looked back down at the others in the box and saw the deficiencies that had befallen the lot of us. I was glad to be doing something, for to be doing something lifted my mind from the bleakness which I saw below me. After looking downward it spurred me on. I had reached so high that the sky within my view had expanded. My heart started pounding with excitement. This was a new emotion I was experiencing! I pushed forward a little farther but still could not make it to the top. I slid back down at a dizzying speed and once again I was deflated.
The next day I decided I would stay within the boundaries, my boundaries of thinking and living. However, I missed the other emotions I had experienced when I was pushing upward. As I slept that night, I dreamt I saw an angel and he told me not to give up, he said I should keep trying and I would eventually make it to my destination. I was so elated that I could not wait to continue my journey. More positive thoughts now began to fill my mind as I pursued my journey upward. I realized that the more positive my thoughts were, the more light would flood into the box. The box that was my mind and it had limited me to the hell in which I was living.
It took me a full month of persistence but I now found myself grasping to the edge of the box, and waiting to break free of the darkness, desperately wanting to be flooded with freedom and light. I finally made it to the top of the box, and planted my feet on lush green grass. There was a field of evergreens in the distance and I could see and smell the rose bushes that were growing close by. The roses showed signs of neglect, but I vowed to remedy that. I sniffed in the fresh air and lifted my hands in praises to God for His unseen guidance. I am sure that as I filled my mind with thoughts of Him that it was He who in turn filled my mind and my whole painful being with His Light, which then lifted me up out of the darkness, the darkness I had become so accustomed to.
Even though my situation has not changed at this time, I now saw things in a more positive light, and I was striving each and every day to have positive thoughts , where once there was only negativity. I am continuing to call on God more and more, and I am seeing His hand in my life in unmistakable ways. The more that I cling to Him, I know that I will never revert to such total darkness in my thinking again. Because of God, my way of thinking has permanently shifted. I will always look upward seeking to reach His Streets of Gold, where I will one day eat from the tree of life. My mind has become a light house filled with God’s light and my hope is that it will be a beacon for others along this long dark difficult pathway we call life.
I wrote this several years ago as I was in severe pain daily and suffering from autoimmune issues. The way how I saw things were impaired and I thought that no one understood or cared. However, this was the beginning of my searching after Jesus with all my heart. I can now truly say that He is my best friend. I also know the sweetness of the Holy Spirit (Comforter) and the words of peace and encouragement that He speaks to my mind.